yeah!! term test over! is hols. slacking days=)

but somehow i rather go sch now. i wanna meet the ppl in sch. i wanna be busy over stuff. jus to stop myself from thinking. i am feeling both sad & happy. they are meant to be tgt. finally they are. i am seriously happy for them. come to think about it again. about myself. something jus dun balance out. i cant cry. i jus feel something missing. well. cant be explained through words. doesnt it feels better if i cry it out loud or even scream it out loud. at least better then what i am feeling now. my heart jus dont feel balanced, something is jus weighing it down, and i dont know what is it.

questions like, what am i doing now? what i wanna do next? why am i no being myself? keep running through my head, people around me kept asking this few questions. those questions strike me harshly ever since 7feb. everytime i thought things are solved, are getting back into track, apparently it didnt. is jus a stupid lie i use to bluff myself & making me feel better.

after everything. i jus cant find the key to my lock. my cousin even came back from japan jus to put my mind at ease, still, couldnt solve my problem. coming to think of it, this is the only problem that dragged across the months and i couldnt get it solved, even with the help of my cousin. wat is the reason? can someone tell me? is it because i couldnt let go of things? or is because i cant take things easily? so many unanswered questions. uncountable.

maybe the smiles on my face and the happiness appear to be is jus one of the many faces of me. am i what am i now? or i am jus putting up faces so that people around me feel better? or is jus that is jus another lie so that i will feel better?

can someone jus set my mind at ease. let me hear the sound of the calm waves. let my heart feel relaxed from everything else. or let me hear the resounding wind, to let me find myself once again.

letting the mind to rule or the heart to rule?